My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
put ‘er there pardner!
![]()
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
![]()
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.