I鈥檓 your girl in the apocalypse till there鈥檚 something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
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Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn鈥檛 spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
It鈥檚 cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don鈥檛 realize I鈥檒l hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we鈥檙e in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I鈥檓 afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.