[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
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promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
You can’t outrun your problems…
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Feels like the fourth month in January
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.