If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
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He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.