I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
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I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.