confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
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Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Potatoes were such a good idea
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.