confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
You Might Also Like
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
everyone’s a critic
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him