I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
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When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
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ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!