I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
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I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Hilarious if literal: arms race
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.