Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
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My guardian angel deserves a raise
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Breaking news:
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.