“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
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Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.