Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
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CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
#Caturday