Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
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I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”![]()
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.