Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
You Might Also Like
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
what?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.