Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
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GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.