Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
You Might Also Like
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week