my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
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Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.