The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.