I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
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They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
we all know this pain all too well