The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
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Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
when there are deer in the woods
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”