[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
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gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.