Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
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Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]