Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
You Might Also Like
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?