Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
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I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.