911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
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I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.