It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
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How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
That’s a good costume, I hope.
When they try to steal your moment.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”