Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
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If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
catch me on valentine’s day like
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If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
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AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close