Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
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Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁