I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
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Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Livid.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday