I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
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The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
necessity is the mother of invention
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.