Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
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I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?