Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
How it started: How it’s going:
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Mad Max Arctic Road
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.