Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
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Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Just a bush.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough