GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
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The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.