I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
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My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.