I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
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[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready