Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
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Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
COP: drop the gun
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
“You drive, I’m tired.”