The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
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Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it