male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives![]()
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Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
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A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I’m not lazy
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Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
asked my bf how work was today
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