male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
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Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Ghost costume 😂
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns