*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
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This line from Airplane.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
#ProTip
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot