If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
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*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.