Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
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Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”