Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
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I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
It’s a gift
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend