He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.