Hmm, not sure about this change
You Might Also Like
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.