I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
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[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
when there are deer in the woods
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
You know…for fall…
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage