the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
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How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
wishing you and yours all the best
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.