Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
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(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy