Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
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If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.