King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
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Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.