*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
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waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>