ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Am getting real tired of your crap…
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.