Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
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My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
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Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT