Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
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Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running