Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement