<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
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“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”